Sunday, November 05, 2006

Thank God No New Kids Songs Were Included

Well, I had a pretty vile Bears rant rockin' the blogosphere here at Fleece & Flog until my browser, Firefox, decided it was sacreligious to rip a team with one loss in eight games and crashed . If my mother were still alive she'd have washed my mouth out with industrial strength degreaser. I was hot, so hot in fact I turned my television back on, something I swore I wouldn't do the rest of the night. And what just so happened to be crossing the coaxial? No, not a repeat of the 1985 Dolphins/ Bears game, but VH1's 100 "Greatest Songs of the 1980's"!

Hell yeah!

Nothing says pain relief for the loss of this month's rent check like the bubble gum sounds of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" or the synth-driven sexuality of "Hungry Like the Wolf." Being a child of the '80's I wrapped myself into the viewing, walking thru an Aqua-Net haze, wandering on a trip down puberty lane, reminiscing with my penis over Tawny Kitaen's aerobics. Outside of a steak and a blowjob the celluloid rewind was the best possible cure for my Bears hangover.

Then SHE called. SHE is an old friend, a friend from the days I just spent two hours reminiscing about, a friend about whom more than one song in the list reminded me of, a friend whom at one time in my life was less of a friend and more of a play toy. SHE also happens to be someone I spent the night with in 1986 when the Bears were winning their first Superbowl -- platonically, of course, but not without an effort on my part. What a night that was: the Fridge's touchdown, the Reggie Philips interception returned for a touchdown, the Matt Suhey plunge, the McMahon flip, da Coach and Buddy Ryan being victoriously carried off on the shoulders of victorious linemen, the 15-1 record...

The 15 and ONE record! That's right, this year's Bears team just lost their chance at history, a chance to redeem the sins of a one-loss past, and it all came flooding back -- Rex and his turnovers, the muffed punts, the big day by Ronnie Brown, the last minute injury to Brian Urlacher. Could history actually be repeating itself? (Let's hope the end of this season ends the way 1985's did.)

Before this drops somewhere below maudlin sentimentality, let me get back to the '80's countdown and the reason for the reference. After talking to HER and reminiscing about days gone by, I was struck by the similarity between a few songs on the list and certain players' performances from Sunday's drubbing at the hands of the Dolphins.

So here it is; Fleece & Flog's VH1-based Top 20 Songs of the '80's and their 2006 Bears counterparts from #1 on down to #20.

1. Bon Jovi / "Livin' on a Prayer" :: Rex Grossman For Rex it was more like a wing and a prayer. He threw so many off balance ducks that if he were the Nintendo game Duck Hunt, he would have tilted like a pinball machine.

2. Def Leppard / "Pour Some Sugar On Me" :: Thomas Jones TJ must have tasted like peaches and cream to the Dolphins defense as he routinely ran into the awaiting teeth of the defense.

3. Duran Duran / "Hungry Like the Wolf" :: Jason Taylor of the Dolphins I know he's not a Bear, but he was certainly 'on the huntdown' after Rex and the boys. He seemed the hungriest of the wolves, waiting to devour anything in his path.

4. Michael Jackson / "Billie Jean" :: Brian Urlacher Brian, if you read this blog, forgive me, but the theme draws too close too reality. The King of Pop could teach the King of the Gridiron a thing or two about the paternity issues that plague Brian's world now. As long as it doesn't involve the fondling of a 10 year-old child , so be it.

5. Prince / "When Doves Cry" :: Tommie Harris He was stuck behind the blocking of Dolphin C Rex Hadnot for so long that their dance reminded me of two turtle doves necking in a tree.

6. Hall & Oates / "I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)" :: Olin Kreutz Well, he did give his body, and since he signed his lucrative extension this past week, we thought he gave his soul too. But appearently not. The blitzes up the middle confounded him (and all the offensive lineman for that matter) all game long.

7. Guns N' Roses / "Sweet Child O' Mine" :: Bernard Berrian The speedster probably wants to ' break down and cry' after spending almost the whole game in the training room with a rib problem. That along with the 'ounce of pain' and the Dolphin defenders were probably saying to Bernie who's your daddy now?

8. Madonna / "Like a Virgin" :: Devin Hester You think he'd never even seen a football before yesterday the way he muffed one punt an nearly gave away another if it weren't for a stupid illegal formation penalty.

9. Run-D.M.C. / "Walk This Way" :: Todd Johnson Maybe the injury replacement could stand to learn a thing or two. He lost his way on an early Marty Booker TD, and unlike his predecessor he wasn't to be found in run support until the RB's were 7 yards past the line of scrimage. Hopefully 'he'll be sure to changin' his ways' soon. He better 'walk this way' all the way to the film room. (Yeah, I know I picked a whiteboy to go along with the only rap song on the list. Think of him as the Steven Tyler/ Joe Perry part of the arrangement.)

10. AC/DC / "You Shook Me All Night Long" :: Nathan Vasher and Peanut Tillman Despite the Interceptor's first INT of the season and some decent tackling by Peanut, the late game jukes and catches shook the DB's all day long. Chris Chambers made Peanut look silly as the 'fast machine' took away a sure INT.

11. Journey / "Don't Stop Believin'" :: Desmond Clark Yeah, don't stop believin' in that mythical beast called a tight end. He's been seen earlier in the season; he'll be 'on the train bound for anywhere' soon again.

12. Whitney Houston / "How Will I Know" :: Cedric Benson You feel unloved, Ced? I'm sorry, but until you shut your mouth and produce, you will not know if I really love you.

13. U2 / "With Or Without You" :: Mike Brown Um, Mike it's always either with or without you . Something's always bruised or broken with you cuz you play as if there's nothing to lose. But a game. The defense definitely loses something without you.

14. The Bangles / "Walk Like an Egyptian" :: John Tait and Fred Miller Jason Taylor certainly had you guys seeing hieroglyphics, and you 'fell down like a domino' more than once. No 'sliding the feet' against that guy, he just beat you guys and made you look like overweight 'cops in the donut shops' cuz he was fast.

15. Van Halen / "Jump" :: Alex Brown One highlight was the athletic move Alex made intercepting Joey Harrington. He not only jumped up but sideways too. Should make the top ten plays of the day.

16. INXS / "Need You Tonight" :: Justin Gage His 'moves are so raw' Rex couldn't figure them out. In fact Justin left many balls on the turf. The Bears really 'need(ed) you tonight', Justin. 'All you got is this moment', and you may not get another one if Mark Bradley and Berrian heal up for next week

17. Whitesnake / "Here I Go Again" :: Robbie Gould On a day when just about the whole team sucked, the kicker was the one guy to do what he always does, even if it's all on his own.

18. Dexy's Midnight Runners / "Come On Eileen" :: Ricky Manning, Jr. This is more speculative cuz when the league hands down its decree in the matter of Manning's beatdown of white dork at a Dennys, it'll 'mean everything.' He'll just have to 'sing along' since his thoughts 'converge(d) on dirty' that fateful night. Just not the right kind of dirty.

19. Cyndi Lauper / "Time after Time" :: Adawale Ogunleye and Hunter Hillenmeyer 'If you're lost, you will look, and will find me'...about a mile away from any tackle...'time after time'. What a disappearing act by these two; they 'fell behind' all afternoon.

20. Rick Springfield / "Jessie's Girl" :: Joey Harrington Another non-Bear makes the list, and I'm changing the song title to Joey's Girl cuz he's getting the royal treatment by his lady tonight when he gets back to Miami. Steak and a Blowjob Day indeed. Damn, do I wish that I had Joey's Girl tonight.

There you have it. Three hours of pain combined with a few hours' pleasure lead to a ten minute read at Fleece & Flog. I hope you won't feel like one commenter felt the other day when he wished for the five minutes of his life back after reading my coaching comparison. And even though I'm already feeling bad about the hour it took me to write and type this son-of-a-bitch, he can go fuck himself and read all the smedly ESPN crap he wants elsewhere. By the way, the '80's rule! And the Bears will too. Again. Someday. I hope. A brother can't reminisce all his life can he?

6 Comments:

Blogger Jeeves said...

I think Urlcher's neck is as thick as The Gloved One's whole body.

Love the unorthodox comparions. First LotR and now music...what do you got cooking up next?

4:52 AM, November 06, 2006  
Blogger Soxually Repressed said...

Unlike Jeeves, I'm now afraid of theme posts; very afraid.

"plutonically, of course,"
Were the two of you actually on the planet Pluton? Does the thicker atmosphere there prevent the reaching of first base? Who else's girlfriend was she at the time, and were they still observing the outdated 254 Million Mile Rule?

10:23 AM, November 06, 2006  
Blogger jamesmnordbergjr said...

Lady of York, Double-U, I'm sure that will explain it.

10:44 AM, November 06, 2006  
Blogger Soxually Repressed said...

Plutonium, as it turned out to some degree, in other words.

12:03 PM, November 06, 2006  
Blogger jamesmnordbergjr said...

ha ha, yeah, before it was "enriched" over time

1:35 PM, November 06, 2006  
Blogger Soxually Repressed said...

That is disgusting. Got video?

12:42 PM, November 07, 2006  

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