Medieval Answer to a Modern Problem

The balls of the world are taking quite a bit of abuse lately.

First Duke PG Ron Paulus gets tea-bagged in a game against Virginia Tech.

Then, if you haven't heard yet, a former Colorado high school boy's basketball coach, Greg Lynn Burr, has been arrested on charges of sexual assault for, among other things, hitting his students in the testicles, some even to the point of needing medical attention. His attacks were coupled with showing some students porn and dowsing them with cold water before driving them to high school games with the windows down. As one student described, his favorite joke was...

"What is the capital of Thailand?" When they would answer, "Bangkok," he would hit them in the groin.

Aside from being a plain old asshole, you'd think he'd come up with a better joke than that.

Finally and completely unrelated comes word that some people are having issues with the football used on the fumbled snap by Dallas Cowboy QB and place kick holder Tony Romo.

Back around 1998 the NFL's competition committee decreed that kickers and punters would no longer be allowed to doctor the balls prior to using them during the game. It seems some of the kicking fraternity were rubbing and buffing and possibly even cooking their balls in an effort to enhance the lengths of their kicks. Kicker Mitch Berger of the Minnesota Vikings had a record 40 touchbacks the season prior to the change. After the institution of the new rules, he had 16 touchbacks. Maybe there was something to the story.

But watching the play that essentially ended the Cowboys' season, one couldn't help but wonder if the slickness of the ball, called a K-Ball, didn't play a part in Romo's botched placement. Even from a seat in front of the television some 2000 miles away, I could see that the ball was different. It was so shiny in fact that Romo could have seen his own reflection between the laces on the pigskin.

Ron Paulus' love affair with sniffing other guys balls I can't help, but I have one solution to the second two problems. Have Mr. Burr be forced to use his nut-sack as a pregame or sideline practice tee so the kickers can kick a little wear and tear into the footballs. If they're good kickers, Mr. Burr can breathe a little easier. If he's Mike Vanderjagt, well Mr. Burr, welcome to Bill Parcell's nightmare.

How's that for a punishment fitting the crime?