Friday, November 24, 2006

Thanksgiving: The Day After

In a blatant attempt at pity, let me tell you, the reader, in four words how my day went yesterday: sleep, pizza, sleep again.

Thank god for pizza. I prefer mine veggied up -- onions, mushrooms, green peppers and black olives -- the pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars and green clovers of any good Chicago-style pizza. And since I don't get the NFL Network and subsequently last night's KC/ Denver game as part of my cable package, last night was quite lacking for anything of authentic viewing pleasure. In other words I was asleep around 9 PM with dreams of Thanksgivings past dancing in my dreams.

But I awoke around 1:30 AM to an epiphany of sorts. Actually I awoke to the smell of leftover pizza and the sound of whatever piece of educational viewing the History Channel was broadcasting at the time, but why quibble over words. And I digress...

How about the painfully obvious easy post detailing things for which I'm thankful. That's a tad too easy, right? Besides it's not really Thanksgiving Day anymore, is it? So we've decided to take the other side of the equation and be the Yang to Thanksgiving Day's Yin. We'll post the things we're NOT thankful for...

I'm NOT thankful for Alfonso Soriano joining the Cubs. Now I'll have to deal with the listening to another Cub outfielder with a big ego and little English skills.

I'm NOT thankful for Lou Pinella managing in Chicago because now I'll have to hear Hawk Harrelson cry about Jay Mariotti everytime he writes about the White Sox and Cubs.

I'm NOT thankful for Joe Crede's decision not to have surgery on his back. After four months of man love, I'll be forced to wonder what I did to make Joe not love me anymore when the strains and rigors of a long season affect his game and his back again in late August and September.

I'm NOT thankful for David Aardsma and his crazy stare especially after watching a documentary about Robert F. Kennnedy and realizing they have the exact same eyes. I have a feeling I'll have a few sleepless nights next summer after watching him pitch.

I'm NOT thankful for Brian Anderson's stint in Venezuela because it'll give Ozzie Guillen all the the ammunition he needs to start Rob Mackowiak in center field more than he should.

I'm NOT thankful for Brady Quinn's senior season since I'll be rooting against him next season when he's playing in Detroit.

I'm NOT thankful for the OSU/ Michigan game because anytime anything as ambiguous as a close game happens the cries go out for an NCAA football playoff and who can resist the allure of the Chick-Fil-A Bowl or the Car Care Center Bowl or the always splendid Dominios Pizza Bowl?

I'm certainly NOT thankful for what I can only hope is a bad joke by Bruce Weber in offering a scholarship to a high school fresheman. With the advancement of science, what's next? Tracking the fetal movements of embryos?

I'm NOT thankful for the hype machinces surrounding players like Greg Oden who are being hailed as the savior of the Chicago Bulls when he hasn't even played a single game for his current team, the Ohio State Buckeyes.

Speaking of the Bulls, I'm NOT thankful for becoming so involved in a team that I've overlooked essential daily functions of life like eating, sleeping, bathing, etc.

And I'm definitely NOT thankful for Ben Gordon's shooting percentage that's hovering somewhere around the basketball version of the Mendoza line.

I'm NOT thankful for the human turnover, Chris Duhon, and hope Thabo Sefolosha will keep taking more of his minutes.

I'm NOT thankful for David Stern's new balls and the consternation they're creating throughout the league, and I'm not even talking about the new composite leather things the players actually shoot with.

I'm NOT thankful for the NHL's unbalanced schedule. It's just a travesty that the Original Six teams the Montreal Canadiens and the Chicago Blackhawks have played one game in Chicago in the last three seasons.

I'm NOT thankful for Nikolai Khabibulin who turned his one hot season and Stanley Cup Championship into an albatross contract for the Chicago Blackhawks.

I'm NOT thankful for Michal Handzus, Martin Havlat and Mikael Holmqvist. Injuries have turned the H from hope into horror for the high scoringTriple-H line.

And speaking of injuries, I'm NOT thankful for another Mike Brown season-ending injury. Next season he should be required to get hurt in either the preseason or the first game of the season so he'll be available come playoff time.

I'm NOT thankful for the Miami Dolphins and their supposed hex over the Chicago Bears franchise. I thought bears ate fish for dinner.

I'm NOT thankful for a woeful NFC. It slights the Bears and has an AL dominating the NL only to be shown up in the playoffs feel.

I'm NOT thankful for Joe Theisman in the MNF booth. They should can him already and replace him with Mike Wilbon, a Richard Pryor to Tony Kornheiser's Gene Wilder.

I'm NOT thankful for ESPN in general and their MTV-like slide into a pop culture mess. When did reporting the scores become a red carpet event?

And I'm NOT even thankful for sports blogs. If I never found Bill Simmons, the Daily Quickie, Deadspin.com or South Side Sox (the first blogger/ blogs I'd ever really read), I might actually have a life right now and would have enjoyed a leftover turkey sandwich at 1:30 AM this morning instead of cold pizza.

8 Comments:

Blogger Soxually Repressed said...

The context of your Montreal comment could be construed to read that neither Montreal nor the Blackhawks have played in Chicago in three years. Instead:It's just a travesty that an Original Six team like Montreal hasn't played in Chicago the last three seasons.

Just a suggestion, of course. Feel free to delete this comment at any point.

12:58 PM, November 27, 2006  
Blogger Soxually Repressed said...

Why does Wilbon have to be the Pryor to Tony's Wilder? Can't you see beyond color?

Also, they would never have a booth without a jock for analysis.

Anything would be better than Theisman, though. Except Dennis Miller. Well, call that even.

1:04 PM, November 27, 2006  
Blogger jamesmnordbergjr said...

WTF, SR?

Okay, if anyone happens upon this comment, did anyone else initially take the Montreal paragraph outta context?

Or did you have to reread it to see the problem?

Inquiring minds wanna know.

1:06 PM, November 27, 2006  
Blogger jamesmnordbergjr said...

(Steam rising outta my ears)

I didn't initially think color about the PTI guys, I thought good comedic duo.

And actually I was gonna go with Turk and JD from Scrubs but that reference was a little too obscure.

1:09 PM, November 27, 2006  
Blogger Soxually Repressed said...

For a guy who wants to write a satiric blog (everyone else is still waiting) [insert canned audience laugh], you sure missed the facetious angle I took on your comparison.

I will note that your other duo(which though possibly more obscure, is more sadly missing from our primetime landscape) was equally Oreo-d in make-up. If you were really looking beyond color you would have picked Penn&Teller or, um, uh, Malcolm&Eddie.

I also hope by now you know I am mostly just yanking your chain (steam is fun). Mostly.

10:36 AM, November 28, 2006  
Blogger jamesmnordbergjr said...

Who said anything about satire?

And, yes, Scrubs needs to return!

7:30 AM, November 29, 2006  
Blogger jamesmnordbergjr said...

And sorry, the sarcasm radar was turned off.

7:32 AM, November 29, 2006  
Blogger Soxually Repressed said...

Scrubs is back! I think Thursday 11/30/6.

The Sarcdar should always be on. It's like O'Hare without all the cavity searches.

1:01 PM, November 29, 2006  

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