Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Promos, Promos and More Promos

Inspired by the nifty little partnership between 7-Eleven and the White Sox, other Chicago sports franchises and athletes jumped into the fray with quaint verbal and optical marketing associations. Here's a look at their unique marketing ploys.

Chicago Bears & Bumble Bee Tuna.

On Novemebr 5th, when Bears face Miami, the first 20,000 ticket holders entering Soldier Field will receive a specially marked can of non-dolphin-safe tuna. As the Bears look to become only the second undefeated team in NFL history, each can will contain bits and pieces of a Bob Griese, Larry Csonka or Mercury Morris and on the field can be found some dead Daunte Culpepper, Ronnie Brown and Chris Chambers. In an unprecedented move, PETA condones the brutal act of violence by the Bears and Bumble Bee Tuna because they too are sick of the '72 Dolphins showing up with their champagne toast after the last undefeated team gets beat each season.

Chicago Bulls & McAfee Computer Security Systems

The ad line goes something like this: "Protect your family and yourself from malware, spyware and NBA players with guns." Steven Schanwald, director of business operations for the Bulls, installs a metal detector sponsored by McAfee in front of the visiting team's locker room, and in a free-tacos/ free-hamburgers inspired bit, hands out little cards with one player's name on it from that night's opposing team. If the player on your card gets caught with a gun entering the locker room, you will receive a free copy of McAfee anti-virus software. Anyone with a Ron Artest card on opening night will win the prize.

Chicago Blackhawks & Big Ben Clocks

In a marketing promotion to recall the glory days of the Blackhawks' last Stanley Cup victory in '60s, Big Ben Clocks sponsors a game promo called "Turn Back the Clock" Night at the United Center. Blackhawk players are asked to skate without helmets and Nikolai Khabibulin is asked to not don a goalie mask as they face the other Original Six team and hated rival Detroit Red Wings. The first 10,000 people entering the UC will receive mini travel clocks embossed with a team logo on the top of the case. After Martin Havlat scores the third goal of his hat trick, there's an hour delay as clean-up crews must pick up the pieces of 10,000 mini-clocks that rained down on the UC ice. Unfortunately they won't get all the debris and the Blackhawks' leading scorer, Rene Borque, will trip over a tiny spring tearing his ACL and breaking a cheek bone in the subsequent collision with the ice. Later Jim Vandermeer will be pummelled in a fight by the Red Wing enforcer after taking a shot to his helmet-less dome and in his delirium will march upstairs to the owner's suite and shove a mini travel clock up Bill Wirtz's ass. Bill Wirtz then sells the team to the Wal-Mart Corporation, and mayor Daley immediately reinstates the "black box" wage law for consideration if the team doesn't televise home games leading to a generous television contract between Channel 26 and the Blackhawks and a resurgent Blackhawks' fan base.

Chicago Cubs & American Family Insurance
A season long promotion. The Cubs and Wrigley Field are called as American as apple pie and Budweiser and American Family Insurance wants to insure that you know the dangers of binge drinking. Where better to advertise than the World's Biggest Beer Garden, Wrigley Field. But the venerable old stadium has other ideas. During "70's Day at the Park", part of the upper deck of Wrigley Field collapses after a ten section long, Soul Train dance line breaks out. American Family Insurance is the main benefactor of most of the injured and goes bankrupt after the Tribune Company refuses to pay any restitution to the injured parties. One good thing comes out of the tragedy: Wrigley Field is finally demolished, and a retractable roof stadium is erected in its place. However it too will have a tragic ending as a fan offers to sacrifice a live goat on an alter in front of the new building only to have the goat kick over the fire pit burning down everything north of Addison for three blocks. When the Cubs finally get back on their feet, they'll move to Rockford, Illinois and finally win a World Series.

Chicago Wolves & Value City Department Stores
Thrift is the name of the game for this promo. Knowing they have more recent championships then their NHL neighbors and believing their product to a better value than their NHL neighbors, the AHL Wolves and Value City sponsor a "Bang for your Buck Puck" Night. The first 10,000 fans entering All-State Arena will receive an officially licensed Chicago Wolves hockey puck. But things will go terribly wrong when lines to get into the arena stagnate like the lines at the check out in the department store, and a woman decides to share her e.coli-tainted spinach dip with other impatient and hungry ticket holders. Thirty-five hundred people will fall sick in the epidemic, and Value City and the Wolves will be sued for a lack of reguard for patrons' safety and insufficient access to public toilets.

Chicago Rush & Stacker 3 Weight Loss Products

After Chicago is called the Fattest City in America, Chicago Rush officials decide to do something about the problem and team up with Stacker 3 in a promo called "Get Your Rush On!" Rush season ticket holders are to be provided with sample packs of Stacker 3 diet pills to stimulate energy and enthusiam for the Arena Football League Champion Chicago Rush. At the Stacker manufacturing and distribution plant, a batch of body cleansing laxative pills will accidentally make its way into the sample packs of Stacker 3 diet pills. And the promo will suddenly take on a new and completely unrelated meaning. In a strange bit of irony, about 400 people will actually experience a miraculous 5 lb. weight loss after missing the entire first quarter in the bathroom.

Chicago Fire & Revlon Makeup Products

Someone has to make Soccer look appealing to Americans, so the Revlon officials hire former runway models to strut their stuff in provocative and revealing Fire-inspired outfits up and down Toyota Field's bleachers. At first the idea is a huge success. Toyota Field is packed for every Fire home game, the team is selling out its apparell in the gift shops, and food and liquor sales have skyrocketed. Eventually and sadly the divorce rate amongst Polish and Hispanic immigrant populations in Chicago will skyrocket as a direct result of the promo, and Toyota Field will become a ghost-town of sorts as no self-respecting wife will allow her husband to attend the tawdry spectacle that is a Fire game. It will be revealed, however, that a prostitution ring was secretly hired by Revlon to do the modelling, and the interest in the Fire wasn't generated by the product on the field but by the blowjobs in the parking lot.

Javy Vaszquez & Pop Rocks
Each kid entering US Cellular Field is given a pack of Pop Rocks, the explode-in-your-mouth candy, at each of Javy's home starts but isn't allowed to eat the volitile candy until the 6th inning simulating Javy's soon-to-come implosion.




Andres Nocioni & Speed Stick

A story was told during the World Basketball Championships about Noc and his odiferous decision to refrain from bathing during the exhibition in China this past offseason. To capitalize on this, the Bulls and Speed Stick will team up to sponsor the Andres Nocioni Speed Stick challenge. Anytime the Bulls go on a winning streak, Andres will not bathe. He will strictly use Speed Stick to hide his offensiveness. For court-side seated patrons, the first person to pass out form the Andres' eminations will win a year's supply of Speed Stick. Each winning streak will bring a new winner. And subsequently the Bulls players will start a new fashion trend by wearing nose plugs during the games after the first Bulls 4 game win streak.

7 Comments:

Blogger Soxually Repressed said...

The Dolphins have a toast with a bottle of "country that is flat and open"?
McAfee can put out a patch called Stephen Jackson Firearms.
Would Big Ben Clocks be a better fit for the Bulls new acquisition at center?
The Cubs can move anywhere you want, they will still never win a World Series.
Do the Blackhawks even have 3500 season-ticket holders?
The team is owned by a guy who once traded every pick in his NFL draft for Ricky Williams. You don't need a laxative, you need an in-flight sickness bag.
Our first ethnic slanders. Hooray, now we are in the big time.
Watching him pitch in the seventh inning and on will make anyone's head explode.
As opposed to Knicks fans who will be wearing nose plugs from the stench of their team playing.

1:04 PM, October 12, 2006  
Blogger jamesmnordbergjr said...

Thanks for the Champagne heads up.
And maybe Radio Shack would been a better fit for Blackhawks.

1:12 PM, October 12, 2006  
Blogger Fornelli said...

Kudos sir.

(In an eerie coincedence, the word verification to this comment is "jvyrvzqz" Looks a lot like Javier Vazquez to me. He's watching you James, he's always watching.)

1:23 PM, October 12, 2006  
Blogger jamesmnordbergjr said...

As long as Mark Buehrle checks in, I don't care.

4:48 PM, October 12, 2006  
Anonymous Mark Buehrle said...

Sticks and stones may break my bones but I'm a millionaire bitch!!!

5:06 PM, October 12, 2006  
Blogger jamesmnordbergjr said...

Don't accidentally shoot your dick off this winter, Mark. Oh, I forgot, you have no balls already. First inning hitters launched them into the stands this season.

5:24 PM, October 12, 2006  
Blogger Jeeves said...

Yes, but you're screwing yourself out of an even bigger payday by pitching like a batting practice coach.

5:35 PM, October 12, 2006  

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